Emptiness
by Missingmile
Summary: Faith has three things in abundance in prison; time, routine, and silence. (series of short vignettes)
1. Emptiness

Emptiness  
  
written by Acacia Dyre  
  
Warnings: Short, introspective bit, meandered from a small inspiration.  
  
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is the creation of Joss Whedon as are all of the characters (i.e. Faith) and I own nothing, unless you count my fat barn cat and the used books in my collection.  
  
  
  
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The qualities of time and silence had never been the ones Faith wanted most in her life. She was more interested in fun and pleasure. As she had once told Buffy, it wasn't worth it if you weren't enjoying yourself. And her use 'em and lose 'em philosophy had let her get away with a lot of bad choices with little consequences, until she had arrived in Sunnydale. That whole trip had been a mistake, and the result was the silence and time that she was left with.  
  
Prison was all about time. She had a lot of time to do nothing; nothing she wanted. Faith worked in the prison laundry and that took up some of the time. The majority of her time was spent doing nothing in particular though. She worked out, she had her meals and slept, and she existed. She thought about her life, and where she had ended up, and most of all she thought about what had happened to bring her to the present. She tried to avoid too much thinking.  
  
Prison was also all about routine. Mindless routine helped her with the goal of not thinking too much about the past. Every single day it was the same. The time to get up, the time to eat, the time to work, the time for exercise, the time for everything was regulated. It took all of the worry over choosing something from her. Faith could appreciate that in some small part of herself, it took her choice of bad versus good away from her. The traditional bad versus good choices anyway. There were new ways for her to be bad in prison. Those were becoming routine also.  
  
The silence was the third part of the prison equation. Sure, there was plenty of noise. Women screaming at each other, the babble that passed for conversation, the orders given by the guards and the supplication of the prisoners. There was silence in each part of the noise; it was thick in what went unsaid. It was within Faith's thoughts like white noise, an absence of some unnameable thing she found herself missing. It grated on her senses as she tried to figure out what it was.  
  
The obvious things were already eliminated; her freedom, the violence, the men, her self expression, everything left her feeling a bit more ambivalent about herself. Trying to figure out what was missing made her think about the past again though, which of course she was avoiding, and so not a lot was being accomplished. There were so many things that she wanted to do, and she avoided them by blanking her mind and following the routine.  
  
She avoiding thinking about the apologies she wished she could make, and have believed. Stopped herself from trying to figure out ways in which she could make up for past mistakes and compensate those she hurt. She avoided all thoughts about Buffy and the time she spent in Sunnydale. There were no excuses for dwelling on things that she would never be able to control, her powers were not that great. The time and the routine and the silence left her with the one thing she couldn't avoid, the emptiness that was left behind from that missing piece, and Faith couldn't find a reason to care about filling that space. 


	2. Loneliness

There was something very familiar about looking at a group of people and wishing to be a part of them. When Faith first arrived in Sunnydale California, she learned exactly what it was like to always be on the outside, wanting to join in. It seemed to be a common theme in her life. Faith wanted acceptance, and she received tolerance instead. Buffy had thought that she was including Faith in the group, the two slayers take on the world and such. Faith knew better, there was always a division between them.  
  
As long as Faith was on the outside of things like school, she could never really be a part of the group. And so she tried to seduce Buffy into her world. She got Buffy to skip some classes, to blow off her other friends in order to spend time with Faith on patrol, or even at the Bronze. It didn't work though. Karma or fate stepped in and that man she killed, the deputy mayor, stood directly in the path of her destruction. Her self- destruction.  
  
She panicked. It wasn't callousness that made her try to deny what had happened, or to hide the body. It was fear that was so intense, it numbed her mind. Faith didn't want to kill anyone, but her defenses were up and suddenly everyone was treating her like something dirty, like a stain to be removed. Blaming Buffy had been an impulsive, ill thought out plan. It didn't work to do anything except distance her from the group even more. She had a real talent for sabotaging herself.  
  
Prison had started the same way. She was fresh meat and alone. No friends, no acquaintances; only herself to rely upon. Fortunately, Faith was pretty dependable when it came to her own defense. She knew exactly why she was there and she wasn't going to allow anyone to use her to be their favorite victim. It took a bit of convincing for the others to see that. They saw her as a young woman, not particularly strong looking, easy prey. She taught them otherwise through action.  
  
Prison language was something Faith could understand almost immediately. It used fists more often than adjectives, and when it came to fighting there wasn't anyone that could take her down. She wasn't going to be anyone's girlfriend or slave. No one seemed to want her to be a friend or ally though, and so she ended up looking at the different gangs of women from the outside, wishing she could be included in one. She was confused. If doing her time quietly was her reason for being in prison, her chance at penance for the things she had done, then she should have been glad to be outside of the gangs. It was just so lonely. She didn't want to be on the outside looking in anymore.  
  
  
  
+ Very short bits, for which I apologize, it is the way I tend to write most often. It is likely I will add more vignettes to this story in the near future. + 


	3. Forgiveness

I'm waiting for you. Did you know that, would you even guess? I don't even know why I do it since there is hardly a chance that you even think about me. But I have this strange hope that maybe some day the guard will come to my cell, you know where I am remember, and tell me that I have a visitor. Hasn't happened yet, of course, but that little hope just won't go away.  
  
It's lonely here. I mean, I know I belong here and all because of what I did, but I don't fit in here. There were reasons for what I did that no one will ever understand, and I can't even tell anyone the details of most of it anyway. Can you see me chatting up the Hispanic gang members with stories of slaying demons and vampires? They'd probably decide I was some uppity white chick making metaphors for being a 'born again'. Fate worse than death, I assure you.  
  
So that little hope was born, out of where I had thought only hopelessness could come. I had thought once that if I tried, really tried, to change that you would notice and approve; that you might care. For all that I did, all I really wanted was to be your friend. When that didn't work all I wanted was to be you. Buffy, you had everything I ever wanted and it looked so easy sometimes I just hated you. I know it was never as it appeared; you were miserable too. But when you had as little as I did for so long every little crumb seems like a banquet.  
  
I wanted those crumbs so badly; the watcher, the friends, the mother, even school. All I was allowed was a trashy motel, a trashy reputation and the feeling that I would never be good enough to really belong to the group. Xander was scared of me, way before we ever had that fling, he had the whole lust thing going but what teenage boy doesn't? He was scared of me, excited and horny and terrified. Willow didn't trust me, she was jealous because we shared something that she could never share with you. She was your best friend and she could see how badly I wanted you to be my best friend instead. Willow knew, I'm not sure how, but she saw something.  
  
Giles was just too busy for me. He had you and you were the perfect Slayer no matter how he might have protested your methods. Why didn't he ever ask the Council to send a new Watcher for me, so I could have my own? Did he think he could handle the two of us, or was it that the Council didn't care? I've always wanted to ask someone about that. I know they would never visit me, but you. I had that little hope.  
  
I asked Angel to tell you where I was. At the time I thought it would be a way to show you that I was changing, that I was going to be good and do stuff even you might endorse. I wanted you to know that I wasn't a threat. I wanted to see you again and apologize. That was why I sent the postcard. It was cheesy, but I don't exactly have access to a greeting card store in here. It was what was available and I took the chance, just to write that I was sorry, that it was never a matter of feeling guilt, or not. It was just that the guilt I felt was so much better than the pain of being unwanted once again.  
  
And then for some reason I started thinking that maybe one day you would come here and talk to me. That perhaps the postcard or the message from Angel would make a difference and even if we can never be friends, that perhaps you would be able to forgive me. If you could find it in yourself to forgive me, maybe I could move on.  
  
I'll be leaving this place soon. I don't know where I'll go; I have no plans. I've thought about going to Angel and asking to help or for his direction to another place that needs a Slayer's unique talents. He knows all about the 'redemption through action' plan and maybe he would understand my need to do this. I just hope I don't fall into the bad way of things again. With your forgiveness I don't think I would.  
  
Please, Buffy, visit me. Forgive me. 


	4. Cleansing

There was something cleansing about working out. The sweat wasn't a literal clean, of course, but she felt better when she was moving and putting a little effort into keeping up her abilities. One day she would get out and she wanted to be able to redeem herself, or at least try to do so. A fat, slovenly Slayer was good for no one.  
  
Working out was difficult sometimes though. There were constraints placed upon her. Some were her own rules because of her nature; she didn't want to appear too strong, too fit, and appear unusual to the other women. She didn't want to seem weak either though. The weak were preyed upon in this place, just as they were on the outside. One moment of weakness could lead to years of being some fat gang leaders "girlfriend" and Faith wasn't that desperate.  
  
The other difficulty was in holding back the desires the physical activity awoke in her. She had vivid daydreams about taking one of the weights and beating someone's skull in when she was frustrated. Usually she pictured a guard, one of the younger men who leered at her in the corridors, who watched her cell a little too closely. They disgusted her and that was the main reason she wouldn't do as some of the other women were doing; sex wasn't that important. She had learned, since coming to this place, that her dignity was something she really valued.  
  
There was something in the movement that kept her dignity close to her, a pride that was reawakening in her body and her self. She liked that feeling; it was addictive. It led to better things; it even led to a friendship. Another woman, someone who had a lot of the same issues she had been dealing with. They weren't really close or anything, but they worked out together. They didn't talk a lot either, but there was a feeling between them that was kind of nice and unusual for her to have with anyone. It was so low-key it was almost non-existent, but sometimes their eyes would meet and they would both smile and there was just a moment of clarity that passed between both. It was calming and exciting and it gave her hope that she would survive and find someone to trust outside.  
  
She was going to survive. Faith would never give up, but she knew that she needed help to get through this and find her way. She would cleanse herself though activity and in time learn to love herself. 


End file.
